Women face numerous roadblocks to success in the office, including unequal pay, gender bias, and discrimination. Some of these may be due to misogynistic beliefs, our largely patriarchal society, and our cultural, social, political and even economic environments.  All of these are external barriers that we can’t control. For women, there can also be internal barriers that result because of their thinking and behavior. That means we need to look for solutions within (what we can control), instead of without.

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. 

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. 

We are the change that we seek.” (Barack Obama)

Sally Helgesen, the best-selling author and premier expert on women’s leadership, has identified a number of beliefs and behaviors that stand in the way of women succeeding: 

First: Believing that ambition is not good.

Both men and women aspire to success. So, when someone calls a woman “ambitious,” why is her immediate reaction to deny it? Or apologize for it? 

Identify your abilities, be confident of them and claim your achievements. These are all good actions that can contribute to success. People are busy. You can’t expect them to notice all your input all the time. You need to find a way to talk about yourself that works for you. If you sit back and wait for people to acknowledge what you can do, you’ll never move forward. And, more importantly, you’ll become disillusioned, discouraged and disengaged. 

If you’re not comfortable with the way you’re perceived by others, you may be able to get help from your co-workers. For example, after a meeting, ask a colleague if you missed opportunities to speak up. Or ask someone you admire for tips on how you can get better at speaking up. You’ll get valuable feedback that will help reinforce the behavioral changes you’re trying to make.

“Let today be the day 

you give up who you’ve been 

for who you can become.” (Hal Elrod)

Second: Needing to make everyone happy.

You can’t please everyone all the time, and trying to do so will only lead to frustration and burn out. When you become a “yes-woman” so your colleagues like you, you’ll find it’s hard to enforce boundaries and hold them accountable for the consequences of their own choices.

Put yourself first. Think about the safety briefing on airplanes: “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else with theirs.” We can’t help others if we’re not in a good place ourselves.

Third: Thinking too much.

Sally Helgesen likes the term “ruminating.” It’s an interesting connection to cows and other animals that chew their food — again and again. In problem-solving, it’s good to think about possible conclusions, foresee pitfalls and discern potential solutions. But ruminating — thinking too much — can be detrimental if it paralyzes you. Going over the same things, again and again, will not help you achieve success. Instead, you’ll create a cycle of negative thinking that can only lead to feelings of inadequacy and depression. 

Have you made a mistake? Who hasn’t? Yet women are more likely to engage in self-regret, to beat yourself up for weeks on end. Sally has a sign in her office that says, “Oh, well …” It’s not intended to dismiss mistakes. Rather it reminds her to admit that none of us is perfect, to learn from our mistakes, to let them go and to move on. 

Fourth: Engaging in an “either-or” view.

Life is rarely black and white, but women tend to separate their behaviors into one or the other – either I did well, or I didn’t; either I talk about my ambition, or I sit back; either I hold them accountable, or I don’t. But rarely are situations in the real world this clear cut. 

Reflect on your achievements and know exactly what you’re capable of. Find out what you’ve done well and, at the same time, where you can improve. That will put you in a better position to move on and move up.

What else should women do to succeed?

When you consider all of these barriers that can limit your success, there’s one thing you need to strive for: self-awareness. Think clearly about what you can do, what you want to achieve, what steps you will take, and the abilities you need to develop to reach your goals. And, when you’re asking yourself these questions, don’t just think about your current job. Think about your career overall.

Articulate your goals at every opportunity.  Some people call it an “elevator pitch,” but you can also think of it as your own personal mission statement. It’s much more than your current job title. It’s why you’re doing what you do now, what you want as the outcome, and where you want to go.

Ask for help from the people around you who can provide feedback on your progress. Sometimes you won’t like their suggestions. Sally has a tip for that, too: If you’re not comfortable with the advice you’re given, just say “Thank you.” There’s no need to debate or let this particular experience deter you from asking for help again. Feedback from co-workers can help you identify your strengths and learn to harness them to reach your goals. 

Women don’t need to be like men to be successful. They need only to be themselves.

 “If you change the way you look at things, 

the things you look at will change.” (Wayne Dyer)