Lois Sonstegard:

Hi everybody. Welcome to building my legacy today. I am so eager to begin this series with Kate Fitzsimmons. Kate is an unusual person and I feel like it has been such a gift to get to know her. I was introduced to her through a podcast that she did on my show and just was really impressed with her insights, her wisdom, and her ability to really share who she is in a wizened way. And I think it’s something that we all wish to be able to do, and she has that gift. And so, as we talked, one of the things that I began to realize is, one of the issues I get asked questions about all the time, is there’s such a disconnect between we who are older, certainly I’m in that group now, and then the younger millennial generation. And it’s like there’s two different viewpoints. I’ve been asked to come and just speak on how do we work with millennials.

Lois Sonstegard:

And I have found millennials to be such a gift because what they have done for us is to ask questions that we should have asked long ago but didn’t, because we didn’t think that it was our role. We didn’t think that it was okay. It wasn’t politically correct. Certainly you didn’t question people in leadership, you assumed that they were right and they knew what they were doing. And so we have been challenged in many ways to think differently. And as I talked with Kate, I thought one of the gifts that she gives us is that perspective of the millennial. Her wisdom, and her wisdom comes from life learning. She had a life lesson that most of us would wish never to have. She lost her sister when she was what, just a teenager?

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Just turned 20, yeah.

Lois Sonstegard:

When she was 20. And had to learn how to cope, and developed her passion for working with people, and especially young people, because of that. And so what she offers really comes from this rich material that she’s developed.

Lois Sonstegard:

The 10 part series that we have put together is looking at corporate life, and how do we really work in that corporate life? What’s the mindset, the attitude, what is it that we really need to bring to corporations for success? And we have a different topic for each of the 10 weeks. And I think that you will find this so rich because of the perspective that Kate will bring to all of us. And some of you who are listening to this may say, well, how does this fit into legacy?

Lois Sonstegard:

If we’re going to build legacies, first of all we need to work with all of our age groups. Secondly, that next stage of what we’re going to do and create usually also involves creating the passion and help that the younger generation will come alongside. And if they don’t buy in, they don’t understand what we’re doing, we don’t know how to talk to them, that’s not going to happen. So I think this is a critical understanding that we all need.

Lois Sonstegard:

And so today we’re going to start with… Well actually, Kate I’ll let you start with where you’d like to start. And you may have a thing or two that you would like the audience to know about you as well. She is from Australia, and she is in Australia. She goes between the US and Australia.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

You hadn’t dropped that bombshell yet.

Lois Sonstegard:

Pardon me?

Kate Fitzsimmons:

I said you hadn’t dropped the bombshell I don’t think yet, that I’m all the way from the land down under. And it’s an absolute privilege to be a part and to be doing this series with you, Lois. I thank you so much for inviting me back. And a big g’day to everyone. I’m really excited to launch into this series. And uniquely, Lois and I decided to do this a few months ago now. And she was like, “I really want to help the millennials better handle change and uncertainty in the workplace.”

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And heaven behold, we are now in the middle of the corona pandemic. So there’s never been such a time where humanity’s, well I know our generation and as long as I’ve been alive, has ever faced such uncertain times. So as much as I’m finding my way through my own stuff, I also feel like this is my time to step up and really contribute all that I’ve learned through my own life experience, as you said. And my own skills and training that I’ve done to be able to hold the space and help others through what’s a really challenging time.

Lois Sonstegard:

So Kate, one of the things that I find is that, when we look at the human being for example, we do well when we’re in momentum. We like to be in motion. So when we’re in momentum we have certainty and we have beliefs. And I think one of the things that has happened right now with the coronavirus is suddenly we have uncertainty and we have beliefs that we can choose to do something with. And that controls our certainty versus uncertainty. And so then how we deal with that and cope with that is so paramount in terms of how will we function. What are your thoughts?

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Absolutely. And I think, as a coach that works on the mindset and stuff, I think sometimes my work is misinterpreted as me just about to stand up here and go, you know what, everyone just feel happy and you know, cheer and feel excited, while it couldn’t be the opposite. My first mission that I always want to help people with is gaining greater understanding of yourself, what’s happening inside your internal world. Because there is so much going on right now in our external world that is beyond our control.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

You know, I just have to say two words, toilet paper, and everyone understands what I’m talking about. We’re not even sure if we’re going to have toilet paper for next week. So through to, am I going to get laid off my job? How is my company going to get through this? How long is this going to last? Am I going to be able to afford my bills? There is so much uncertainty. And so the first thing I want to make you aware of before we try and get to the place of working on our beliefs, is just to understand that the human response of feeling some fear right now, is actually very natural and very healthy.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

We have a negativity bias in our brain that actually helped to keep us alive back in the day. We wanted to notice the threats, we wanted to notice the potential dangers and potential bad things, because if we miss some food, like a berry in the Bush it wasn’t a big deal. But if we don’t spot the tiger coming, that’s very bad news. So our brain’s hypersensitive to negativity and it’s also on top of that a really great problem solver. It likes to go and solve problems that it thinks it’s in the future might happen. But the problem is we don’t have all the pieces. No one can give us any sort of certainty right now. So your brain is spinning on the same question over and over and not able to find an answer, which is increasing our levels of anxiety. Because yes, human beings at a basic level does crave some sort of certainty.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

So just understanding if you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, whether it is about the coronavirus, or maybe it’s long gone by the time you’re listening to this, and it could be a new work place merger or a new management comes in, something like that, where you’re like, I’m really uncertain as to what is to come next. And you’re feeling some angst about that. It’s all okay, you’re a healthy human if that’s what you’re beginning… And I think we just need to know that, so we’re not judging ourselves as weak or something going wrong. But also I’m then passionate about teaching, that’s our primitive instinct and our primitive response. But we don’t have to stop at the effect of that fear. We can work past it using what you just mentioned. And that’s working on our beliefs.

Lois Sonstegard:

How do you work on beliefs?

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Day by day, little by little. Yeah, so it is by recognizing as much as we have the primitive part of our brain, we also have the purposeful part that can think beyond just those primal instincts and really plan for the future, and think on purpose, and make deliberate choices, and problem solve and think creatively and strategically. And it’s really firing up that part of our brain and getting ourselves to think consciously, and training that, day in, day out just.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

As I said, some of the skills I’ll teach you is the power of questions, and directing your brain towards this is the problem I want you to solve today. Not trying to solve when corona might be over, but how can I show up as a valuable employee, how can I add value today? How can I make this my most productive day yet? Like getting your brain to focus on answering those questions lights up an entirely different part of your brain that you can access greater wisdom, and be able to connect the dots in a way that when you’re spiraling into that place of helplessness and overwhelm, your brain shuts down on accessing that part. So we need to work on asking ourselves questions that are going to find thoughts that then build beliefs that empower us.

Lois Sonstegard:

What kind of questions do you think are most helpful to ask? Because it’s almost like you have to have questions in your mind prepared, right? Because [inaudible 00:10:21] all of a sudden go wow, I wasn’t prepared for this, you’re suddenly in reaction. So to move out of reaction you have to have in your head already a question that you could start to ask that will begin that shirt. So how do you trigger that process for you? And what questions do you just innately bring up to shift you?

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Yeah. So I think before I get to asking the powerful questions, what helps clarify what questions you want to be asking yourself is, once I’ve walked myself through what I call my three ask strategy, that using that to then step your way to finding what questions to ask yourself is super powerful. And so that is actually where I wanted to begin this series, is by beginning to introduce you to what I call the three Rs. I wanted something really simple to sum up and you guys can remember when you need it most, but also because you mentioned the word reaction just then. And my mission as a coach is to take us out of that total reactive panic kind of reaction to things, and take us more into proactive response. So I call it, like I love teaching people the power of their response ability, and that is their ability to choose their response to things.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And how I teach you that is through these three Rs, which I will walk you through now if you feel you’re if you’re ready for it.

Lois Sonstegard:

It looks good, and I love your three Rs. And I think three of anything you can remember. Three Rs are easy. So yes, let’s get started.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

So as I said, these Rs are going to help you. We accepted that fear is natural, but then rather than compounding that fear with stress and panic and helplessness, which let’s just think of it as life has put you in a ditch, you’ve fallen in the ditch and those feelings drive unproductive chaotic action, which is going to dig you further into the ditch. I’m all about going, okay, we’re in the ditch now and we have a choice whether we’re going to dig further into it by compounding negative emotion with negative emotion, or whether we partner up some sort of fear and a bit of anxiety with emotions that are going to help you begin to build your ladder out of the ditch. So things like acceptance and curiosity and determination and commitment, they’re way more useful and likely going to drive way more productive action. But before we kind of work on dealing with our thoughts, we can’t do that until we become aware about thoughts.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

We can’t change what we’re not aware of, which is what this first R is all about. And teaching you that, whilst we don’t always have control what’s happening in the world, we are in control of how we experience, because no one can take away this power of your response ability. And this first R, recognizing, is life changing within itself. Because we really are bought up in a way that makes us kind of believe that all of our feelings are being caused by all these things that are happening out there in the world and in our lives and how people act or treat us, that’s the cause of how we feel. I mean think about how often we say things like, I am so stressed out because of my boss and how much he’s put on my plate, or I’m so frustrated because my colleagues never listen to my input, or I’m so anxious because I don’t think I’m going to be able to afford my next payment for rent because of the cutbacks from the coronavirus.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

We literally all run around in that lives thinking it’s all the outside world that has the power over how we feel. And that of course tends to lead us to have these obsession of wanting to try and control or avoid certain people or certain situations, in order to control how we feel. Things like, I want to leave my job so I no longer have to feel frustrated about my boss. Or, I’m going to make a report about my colleagues to my manager about their behavior, so he can try and get them to listen or be different. We literally think that in order to change how we feel, to try and feel better, we have to change the circumstances outside of us to do that.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

I don’t know about you, but I quickly realized as I stepped out into the “adult” world that made me feel like a hamster on a wheel. Like trying and try and trying, because it’s exhausting, it’s never ending. Because there’s always things that are constantly changing around us and we feel like we have to constantly control them. And in the big picture it ultimately really feels like it gets us nowhere, because just when you feel like you’ve got one of situation under control, another one spirals out of it. In fact I remember back when I was beginning my corporate job… So I graduated from university with a business degree, majoring in marketing. Then I got a graduate position with a global consumer goods company called Reckitt Benckiser. And I remember when I was fresh out of graduating and starting the job, I remember thinking if only I had some sort of remote control that could just control everything and everyone, everything that’s going on around me, then I’d feel better.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And I’d feel like I had some sort of control, and life would finally be… Don’t you just sometimes wish that you could just remote control some people and how they’re showing up, and just make them be a little bit more patient or a little bit more understanding. Or we could just remote control coronavirus out of the world. Like that would be amazing. Right. And I can’t say that I’ve discovered a remote that quite does that, but I really feel like I’ve discovered the next best thing in putting to practice these three Rs.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And so, as I mentioned, the first step is recognizing our and thinking. And we do this by literally just separating out the facts of a situation from the story we’re telling ourself about it. Because we can really begin to recognize, like hang on, boss’s behavior, colleague’s behavior, whatever it is, that doesn’t directly cause us to feel frustrated. The coronavirus pandemic isn’t directly causing us to freak out or feel stressed. That big presentation that you’ve got to give to a client isn’t the direct reason that you’re feeling so anxious about it, all of our thoughts about them are.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And we know this is true because if circumstances themselves, other people’s behavior or the coronavirus or whatever it is directly cause our feeling and reaction to them, then we’d all have the exact same experience of that circumstance and react in the exact same way. But clearly we’re not, we are literally seeing nearly 7 billion different reactions to the corona pandemic because there’s 7 billion different thoughts and interpretations of it, unique to each individual. And so if you just take a moment, like that power of slowing down in your life, and I’m doing this every single day when I feel this big overwhelm overcome me, and I want to blame and I want to feel completely victimized what’s happening outside of me.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

When I just separate out the pure neutral facts of a situation, you really begin to recognize, like hang on, everything that’s happening outside of me at a factual level is really completely neutral. There’s no inherent meaning in what’s happening outside of us. And this includes other people’s actions and what someone says, and the weather, and your bosses performance review, or the coronavirus and any changes in circumstances it’s causing. For example, let’s give a really practical quick example, of your boss says to you, “You’re not performing up to standard.” That doesn’t directly cause you to feel really ashamed about that, until you have a thought like I’m not good enough to do this job.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

His words aren’t causing that. It’s your interpretation of it. Or think about the amount of money in your bank account. $200, let’s just say that’s what’s in your bank account. That is a circumstance. And that doesn’t cause you to feel stressed out until you think, I don’t have enough money. Can you see how, when it triggers thoughts it’s those thoughts that’s ultimately then causing the stress. It’s not like the money in the bank account can jump out and implant stress in you. Or a colleague speaking on top of you in a meeting doesn’t cause you to feel frustrated, until you think oh, he’s being so disrespectful. It’s that thought then that’s causing the frustration, not your colleague. It’s always in our own thinking and interpretation and what we make something mean in our own mind. And this is often difficult to understand at first because we’re not taught this from a young age. We’re not-

Kate Fitzsimmons:

So let’s just take a really simple practical example. So let’s just say your boss says to you, you’re not performing up to standard. Those words in within itself. What he says doesn’t cause you to feel really ashamed about that. It’s until you have thoughts like, I’m not good enough to do this job. Your taking his words and making it mean something that causes you to feel ashamed. Or the amount of money in your bank account, of like $200. That is a circumstance that just is what it is. It doesn’t cause any sort of stress until you make that mean I don’t have enough money then. That interpretation causes distress. Or a colleague speaking. You know, so often we’re saying, “Oh, my [inaudible 00:19:52] frustrate me.” But we’re a little bit confused by that, because really we don’t feel frustration until they speak over you and then you think something like, oh, he’s just so disrespectful, he always does this.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

It is always in our own thinking, in our interpretation and perspectives, and what we make any outside circumstance mean in our in mind which causes how we feel. And this is difficult for us to wrap our minds around at first, because no one teaches this. We’re all running around going, did they hurt your feelings, did that happen? We’re taught that the outside world ultimately has power over how we feel. So this is really hard. No one teaches us this skill of awareness of our own thinking. We’re just running around immediately believing and reacting to all of what I call ANTS. And that stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts. So A-N-T-S. And these ANTS are just coming from that negativity bias. They’re always very quick and they’re likely, like I said, going to be negative. And we just believe in react to them as if they’re true.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

The number one thing I’m always so passionate about showing someone, and it’s not to blame the person then and say it in a negative way, it is actually the best news I have. Like you are ultimately in charge of how you feel. And that is good news, because the number one thing that is going to rob anyone of any sort of strength and resiliency during times of uncertainty is blame. Because we can’t be in an empowered place and then blame someone for how we feel. Because we ultimately hand over all of our control to something that’s outside of our control and we render ourselves victim and leave ourselves in a bitter place. And when we feel helpless and feel self pity, we take no productive action other than to ruminate and to end up complaining, and taking shortcuts like leaving work early, or not putting in your full effort.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

There is no upside to blaming someone else or something else for how you feel, because the truth is other people don’t feel our feelings. They’re off doing their thing regardless of how angry we are at them, and we are stuck feeling miserable and adding more to the problem than the solution. And that’s not an attractive quality for any employee to have in any company. That doesn’t help us show up as our best selves, and we really have no right to blame anyone or anything else for why we feel the way we feel, or why our lives are the way that they are. And I just like to always stop for a moment and say yes, other people are responsible for their actions. Like that colleague is responsible for handing in the report late, or that driver is responsible for speeding on the wrong side of the road and killing my sister. That’s on him.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

But how that impacts my life and my emotions now is up to me. And based on how I choose to think about and interpret it and place that circumstance in my mind. And it’s honestly the best news I have for you guys, because whilst we can’t always control and change the things that are happening outside of us, we always have the power to change the way that we think about and interpret something. Because… Sorry, were you going to ask something?

Lois Sonstegard:

No, go ahead, I’ll come back to it.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

I was just going to say, because the thing is, thoughts, they are just literally sentences in our mind. And there’s 50,000 a day and I’m not telling you that you have to try and take control of every single one of them. But there will be underlying ones that you can recognize and realize that thought are sentences in our mind that are optional, they are flexible, and we do ultimately always have control over. And it’s constantly managing them, it’s not like you redirect it once and then suddenly everything’s better. But if you can recognize this is all in my thinking, and it will give you the one thing that you’re craving most right now, and that is a sense of control back over how you’re feeling.

Lois Sonstegard:

You know what’s so important about that I think right now, is the research shows us that 85% of people leave their job because they don’t like their manager, their boss. And so think of it, if you just changed your perspective, what could you change in your perspective and would that make a difference?

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And I’m telling you it only takes one sane person to change a relationship, whether that’s in your personal one or professional ones. A relationship only exists in our own minds and our thoughts about that person, and I’m so excited I actually want to do a whole episode on dealing with that difficult boss. Because we all think we’ve got one. Or a difficult manager or colleague. And there’s a few things I want to teach you that will completely change how you experience that person and how you experience your job, without having to do the exhaustion of constantly changing job. Oh, I don’t like that person, I’m going to change now. I would stay, but I’ve got this boss. Well I’m going to show you how… In fact I always believe don’t leave somewhere until you feel happy there. Because you take your mind with you.

Lois Sonstegard:

Oh interesting. Very interesting.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Your mind’s going to go with you, and if your mind is trained to see negatives or to see people or certain attributes in people in a negative way, you might get away… I always think of when you’re trying to push things down and you push one down but then the other thing pops up. It’s always going to pop up somewhere else, because… I can’t wait to dive into the difficult [inaudible 00:25:42]. I will save it for that one, that episode, so people tune in [inaudible 00:00:25:44], because that could take us down a rabbit hole. I just want to show you the skill of recognizing in practice. I always like to have kind of… I want to finish each episode with a bit of a power move that you can begin to retrain your brain. Because our brains are neuroplastic. This isn’t me just being optimistic, scientists have found that we can change the wiring of our brain with repetition and with practice.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

So that’s why we’re doing this over 10 episodes because the more you keep tuning in and listening in and firing up different neural pathways in your brain, the more ingrained they begin to feel. And the less you’re firing up those other ones. This practice is worth it and I am living proof of that, because my mental strength at once was very fragile. But I’ve worked through these three Rs day in, day out and now I want to give, firstly the awareness, and then the inspiration of why I encourage everyone listening to do the same. But the shift I really want you guys to make, and I do have a worksheet that will do this for you, and I also want to encourage you to do it in your own mind, is just to make this shift, of watching your own language in your head. Of how we want to run around and say things like, I’m so scared because this could mean I could lose my job.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And just recognize you’re scared. Like, oh I’m scared because I’m thinking this means I’m going to lose my job. Or rather than I’m so stressed out because I don’t know what’s going to come next, recognize I’m stressed because I’m thinking I don’t know what’s going to come next. Or rather than I’m so anxious because I’m not good at public speaking, recognize I’m anxious because I’m thinking I’m not good at public speaking. So can you see that just by putting those words of I’m thinking, that’s a thought. Recognizing it, you take power back because all the thought’s within your own mind. And that’s where I can help you do some work. I can’t help you go and make your boss different. I can’t help and go and eradicate coronavirus for you, but I can help you retrain your brain and redirect these thoughts and change your perspective on things. That is the only thing we ever have power over in any given situation.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And so the power move for today is to practice separating out the facts of the situation from your own thoughts about them, and write them down in what I call a thought download. I love to brain dump everything out each day before I’m sitting down. I’m trying to be productive. I’m getting out of my head everything that’s going in on it. And suddenly I could begin to realize, oh, no wonder I feel so anxious if these are all the thoughts that are circling around in my head. And so the power is like even just taking three thoughts that you recognize and go oh, that’s just a thought. And rewrite every thought you have, of I’m feeling anxious right now because I’m thinking I don’t think I have what it takes, or I’m feeling really frustrated right now because I’m thinking my colleague never stops talking over me.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

We have to recognize all of these thoughts. And then that’s when we can work on going to the next R, which is another super powerful step, of just taking a moment to reflect. Because we are very aware of what’s happening in the world, we’re not taking much time to reflect on what’s happening in our internal world. And I really do want you though to take this moment of recognizing the thoughts and attaching, I am thinking this, this is not the reality of the situation, this is not a circumstance outside of me, this is a thought in my own mind. And this exercise might not help you feel better instantly. But as I said, it’s giving you the one thing you’re craving most, and that is a sense of control back in a situation that may very much be beyond your control. Because at least it helps you take power back over how you feel. Because we can’t change what we don’t take responsibility for.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

But once you do take that power back, you get the power back to change and influence how you’re feeling and reacting. And at least you no longer feel stuck in that victimized state of feeling out of control and just living from that primal fear that is going to drive a rational behavior during crisis and uncertain times. Again, insert toilet paper here. We’re seeing the world react out of this panicked fear. And you can’t change what’s happening around you. But by recognizing your own thinking you’re one step closer to changing the impact it’s going to have on you to be far more empowering and useful.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

And I really am a big believer that these hard times, especially right now what we’re going through in our world, these really are our greatest opportunities to create and contribute and grow more into the kind of person and employee that we want to be. But that does not just magically happen. It is through practice and something that we create through taking charge of our own mindset, and what we’re focusing on throughout any experience. And these three Rs are going to walk you through how to do that.

Lois Sonstegard:

So this is the first R.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Yes.

Lois Sonstegard:

And we will come back and go through the other two. The awareness piece I think is so big. And separating truth from fiction. And so thank you so much Kate for that. And we’re going to come back-

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Yes, I can’t wait.

Lois Sonstegard:

For the rest of the Rs. So I look forward to talking with all of you very soon. Please give me your email and we’ll make sure that you get the download, the worksheet that Kate has put together for you. We really encourage you to do this work along with us, because what an opportunity. And then if you have questions or you would like us to address anything, just send us an email. We’ll be glad to make that part of our discussion somewhere along these 10 episodes.

Kate Fitzsimmons:

Absolutely. I always love getting inspiration questions, the hard stuff from what’s happening in someone’s real life, and then directly helping them find a way through. I love that. So never be shy to reach out guys, we’re here for you.

Lois Sonstegard:

Thank you so much.